Dreams for the future

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the things you did do... Sail away from the safe harbour... Explore. Dream. Discover." Mark Twain

Although I am not old, I hold more regrets so far that I would wish. I have dreamed but not accomplished and I have not discovered all my heart longs for.

I need to take a trip. There has been so much happening in my life over the past few months. So many yearnings and fears and excuses for one thing or another; now is the time for me to regain control over my life. I have, of late, been inspired and nudged and have decided, if I don't do this now, I never will. It has now become a deep need; not a selfish want.

After recently ending a very long and meaningful relationship, I find my mind and heart are completely dichotomised and so out of sync with one another, causing confusion and general drivel to spill from my mouth and mind.

There is one word which incessantly seems to be on my mind, torturing me in every way:

Why?

Why did I hurt him so much?

Why did I break up with the person I love?

Why did I stay in our relationship so long?

Why?

Why don't I feel the same way about him?

Why, if I will die one day, did I just break two peoples hearts and make two of us so miserable?

Why am I on this earth?

Why? Why? Why?

Of course, the Why's lead to an entire multitude of fresh yet necessary questions...

I think in my indecisive heart of hearts, I need more.

Unfortunately, for some time I was not happy and looking at things now, after having so much time on my hands and thinking of nothing else... I think it was down to me and he being the cause was merely an excuse. A way for me to neglect my own life responsibilities.

I don't know what it was in our relationship that broke down; Maybe it was me? It can't be incompatibility, can it?

Lackadaisical as I have become, I am determined to show myself and the people I love that I do care about things the way I used to. I am still passionate. I still love. I am just lost. And I need to take this trip to take the time to discover who I am, what my purpose is, and to change; both in outlook and in habit.

All I know is I need to take this journey of a lifetime and find out what my heart truly, unequivocally wants.