Watch this space

As you may be aware, I've told you I intend to travel, but I have not yet disclosed my full intentions..

I plan, next year, to visit and experience the world.

This is not a light decision. This has been based upon ideas and dreams I've carried for some time now, but perhaps felt I could not act upon until now. For various reasons my need has ignited and I have learned recently I need to listen to this inner me and connect.

Of course I know this requires a gargantuan amount of precarious planning, but I have time to do this and save. I also need to decide exactly where it is I want to explore and things I want to see and do...

I have a rough idea but as yet my plans are certainly ambitious and stupendous and will require copious amounts of courage on my part.

For now, I would ask you to be patient and, if you will, watch this space!

Dreams for the future

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the things you did do... Sail away from the safe harbour... Explore. Dream. Discover." Mark Twain

Although I am not old, I hold more regrets so far that I would wish. I have dreamed but not accomplished and I have not discovered all my heart longs for.

I need to take a trip. There has been so much happening in my life over the past few months. So many yearnings and fears and excuses for one thing or another; now is the time for me to regain control over my life. I have, of late, been inspired and nudged and have decided, if I don't do this now, I never will. It has now become a deep need; not a selfish want.

After recently ending a very long and meaningful relationship, I find my mind and heart are completely dichotomised and so out of sync with one another, causing confusion and general drivel to spill from my mouth and mind.

There is one word which incessantly seems to be on my mind, torturing me in every way:

Why?

Why did I hurt him so much?

Why did I break up with the person I love?

Why did I stay in our relationship so long?

Why?

Why don't I feel the same way about him?

Why, if I will die one day, did I just break two peoples hearts and make two of us so miserable?

Why am I on this earth?

Why? Why? Why?

Of course, the Why's lead to an entire multitude of fresh yet necessary questions...

I think in my indecisive heart of hearts, I need more.

Unfortunately, for some time I was not happy and looking at things now, after having so much time on my hands and thinking of nothing else... I think it was down to me and he being the cause was merely an excuse. A way for me to neglect my own life responsibilities.

I don't know what it was in our relationship that broke down; Maybe it was me? It can't be incompatibility, can it?

Lackadaisical as I have become, I am determined to show myself and the people I love that I do care about things the way I used to. I am still passionate. I still love. I am just lost. And I need to take this trip to take the time to discover who I am, what my purpose is, and to change; both in outlook and in habit.

All I know is I need to take this journey of a lifetime and find out what my heart truly, unequivocally wants.

Travel

“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money”

I have to say, that advice is quite amazing and anyone who knows me would agree that it is also advice that I'd do well to follow. The problem with me is that when I'm not at home and living out of a suitcase or whatever, I am the sort of person that always has to have a choice; make up, clothes, shoes, boots, hair products, perfumes... You name it, I have to have all of it with me at all times!

I'm off on holiday again pretty soon and I think I've already bought more than I need to pack.... On the other hand though, it is Ibiza! So I will need all manner of strange neon things as well as glittery sequin things and of course I'll need comfortable, sexy, glam.... You can see where I'm going with this... Basically, I'm a girl who needs choice!

I LOVE to travel, don't you? No matter where I'm going, I always embrace the opportunities for some thing new to engulf me. I love new cultures and different ways of life and I love experiencing uniqueness and seeing amazing new places.

There are lots of things that really stick out in my mind as amazing experiences when I've been away, but there is one in particular that has been on my mind a lot recently that I am absolutely craving to experience again - and soon if I can. We went to Goa a couple of years ago and one of the excursions we booked was an overnight stay in an elephant sanctuary with either a yoga session or early morning hike... Meeting the elephants was absolutely extraordinary! We fed them in the evening (and one of the baby one's snotted on my shoulder as I turned round to grab my camera), then the next morning they put on a show and painted, then we went swimming with them in a nearby lagoony type thing. The who experience was sensational! Another experience from the same trip was the yoga which I remember being very early in the morning after a strange nights sleep in an 1800's build elephant dung hut. We walked round the corner from the sanctuary to a beautiful open space that boasted 'Mahadeva Temple, Tambdisurla' An old 13th Century Goan temple. I'm not a religious person but there was just something about this place that drew me in and something about it touched me and has stayed with me since.. I feel like i want to go back and experience more of this 'yoga by an old temple' type thing... But where to go to next.....

I think life is short and we should all try things offered at least once... Life surprises us immensely at times when we least expect it to... Smile and embrace the opportunities!

Hectic

Why do college tutors insist on everything being in on the same day?

Inspiration in NY?

Wow! It's been almost an entire year since my last post! I've been trying to figure out why since I'm on this thing all the time surfing the web, doing coursework, researching where I can get the best deals on which ever new accessory I need or flight away from home! I do keep a paper diary too which is a little easier to access I suppose. When something is on my mind i do tend to write it on paper rather than type, but the resolution this year (among other things) is to keep as up to date as i possibly can on this blog... Let's see how it goes!

So, following on from my title, I am feeling rather inspired right now and I had to let someone know. Recently I have bought lots of new DVD's (old and new films - I'm a bit of a film fanatic) and one of those films consists of every girls holy grail... Sex and the City 2! I absolutely LOVE the series and the stories and the mischief that surrounds those girls! Everything about it is fun and true, not to mention the lurid sex talk and half naked men that swan around on a magnificently regular basis... After watching each episode and both films, I have now decided I want, sorry, NEED to go to New York. I don't care if it's for a month or a life time but I need to experience it! There are so many things that I feel I need to do with my life and it's being wasted here in this small town, with my lacklustre job that with every breath makes me feel like I'm loosing a thousand brain cells and raising my blood pressure to about 1000/9000. I swear sometimes I can actually feel the blood pumping to the surface of my veins, trying hard not to burst through my skin and drown my work computer... Or my obnoxious boss... But that's enough of that! There is no place for that 'man' to be written about on here....

So, yes, I think I will move to NYC and live life like Carrie Bradshaw/Preston and marry a guy like 'Big' and have a wardrobe as big as hers... But filled with some much less expensive clothes and many, many more jeans!

That would be nice, wouldn't it?

Life

Have you ever just wanted to get out of the house and just keep on walking?

Ever just wanted to walk away from everything? Or felt like you have no one to talk to or that even if you did, they wouldn't even know where to begin to understand what you're feeling? That's pretty much how I feel right now. Every afternoon I go out and walk as slowly home as I possibly can - I'm starting to wonder if one day I might just walk past without looking back. Right now everything just feels like it's so much effort. Too much effort.

How can I even begin to tell anyone how I'm feeling? Because unless you are going through it yourself, you have absolutely no idea how difficult things can get, or that even the slightest 'wrong' comment or 'bad look' from that one person who is expected (by yourself) to know how it feels can send you into a wallowing pit of lugubrious emotion.

I crave wanting to talk to you, but I know you don't get it, or if you do, it doesn't seem like you're interested. I just want you to help me feel better. And sometimes you do. But right now, it doesn't feel like it. Right now everything just feels so so wrong. It feels like I don't belong anywhere I thought I did. And I don't know how to do this any more.

New Year

Happy New Year to everyone!

I'm not going to bore you all with lame resolutions and moans about weight issues now Christmas is over. All I wanted to say is I hope everyone has a great one this year. I have a feeling something is going to happen that will change things this year... Hopefully something good.

Will blog again soon x